awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
