my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
