I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
