our cab driver is having phone sex.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
