My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
