My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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