when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Randomize
