I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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