I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
