You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
