This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
