I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
