ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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