She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
The Olympian is in my bed
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