There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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