Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
