Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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