You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
