I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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