I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
