You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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