I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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