Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
