I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
