I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
It's shark week go big or go home
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
