I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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