I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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