My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
