haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
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