Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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