I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize