Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
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