Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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