you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Come share oat with me in your robe
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
