3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize