Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
