I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
