Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
