I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
