i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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