guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize