is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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