Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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