Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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