Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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