Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
His hands were made for my vagina.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
