He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
