Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
