rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
my shit smells like andre
No subtext here. People are naked.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I have grass duct taped all over my body
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
