I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
