forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
