life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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