I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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