Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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