good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
