Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
