Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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