i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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