I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
