i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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