Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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