I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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