i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize