So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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