I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize