I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
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