fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
